July 2008
8 posts
2 tags
Rock N’Roll Star by oasis
Live my life in...
6 tags
Whatever happened to that little bastard from...
I’m sure that many of you will remember that wonderful piece of cinema from 1990 called Problem Child. There was even a sequel. Whatever happened to that little bastard who played Junior? You remember Junior, don’t you?
Am I in the minority when I say that I’d like to strangle that kid with his own bowtie? And why the fuck is he even wearing a bowtie? Is he a Bible...
4 tags
5 tags
Cansei de Ser Sexy cover Cannonball by The...
5 tags
Jack Meets Dennis
Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
6 tags
Somebody To Love
Jack: I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz: Um, I don't think he's real.
Jack: I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.
6 tags
Tracy Does Conan
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
5 tags
Fireworks
I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like never. I have had three donuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow... I am a mess. There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one, when I was a kid I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied, I have had five donuts today. So that's my deal.
