Rock N’Roll Star by oasis Live my life in...
Whatever happened to that little bastard from...
I’m sure that many of you will remember that wonderful piece of cinema from 1990 called Problem Child. There was even a sequel. Whatever happened to that little bastard who played Junior? You remember Junior, don’t you? Am I in the minority when I say that I’d like to strangle that kid with his own bowtie? And why the fuck is he even wearing a bowtie? Is he a Bible...
Cansei de Ser Sexy cover Cannonball by The...
Jack Meets Dennis
Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Somebody To Love
Jack: I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz: Um, I don't think he's real.
Jack: I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.
Tracy Does Conan
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like never. I have had three donuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow... I am a mess. There is an 80% chance in the next election that I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one, when I was a kid I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied, I have had five donuts today. So that's my deal.